Turning Mirrors Into Windows: How Empathy Can Improve Your Relationships
As I sit here gazing through my bedroom window and out into the world, I briefly catch a glimpse of my nearly transparent reflection. The glass, only faintly revealing my silhouette, quickly replaces my ghost-like appearance with the lush green trees that lay only a few car lengths away, pulling my attention back to the scenery. The rustling of the leaves by a frisky red squirrel gives way to the blue sky playing peek-a-boo through the openings in the branches. A sight and experience I may have taken for granted or easily missed had I remained focused solely on my reflection.
Similarly, the beauty and wonder of those persons in our life that matter to us can easily be taken for granted and overlooked when we’re too focused on ourselves. You can easily (and quickly) improve your relationships by replacing half-hearted attention, with full-on focus. You won’t be able to truly see a person if you’re looking in the mirror, but when you peer past the reflection and instead see through it, it is transformed into a window in which you can finally see the beauty of the person that lies on the other side.
“You are a mirror for others, not a window,” I told a client recently, who was berated and falsely accused by a colleague earlier last week. After days of contemplation post-coaching session, he sent me a text expressing excitement about how this was a revolutionary thought for him. “My ego was meeting his ego,” he said, “we didn’t actually see each other, we saw ourselves.”
“Bingo” I sent in return. I added, “How might your feelings about this situation have changed had you peered through the window, instead?” He responded, “perhaps I would have seen that he was insecure and I would have realized it wasn’t about me, to begin with.” Profound.
So, my lovely reader, I’m here to ask you the same question and invite you to learn how to peer through the windows to see others and put the mirror down.
How can we take a step towards peering through the window and truly seeing the other person?
Get Real and Honor Yourself.
A mirror reflects an image of you that is neither flawed nor perfect. It’s not inherently too fat, or too thin, too sad or too happy, too tall, or too short. The mirror simply shows you an image of your physical being and nothing more, nothing less. It’s not until we interpret that reflected image through a lens of judgment that ‘desirable’ or ‘flawed’ assessments are attached.
How you feel about yourself matters. Until you dig deep and deal with it through healing and acceptance, getting to the window phase in your relationships may take a bit of time. That’s okay though! There’s no rush at all with this process, and like with all things, it takes practice.
Getting real with your insecurities will allow you to easily recognize when they are ‘triggered’ during conversations. Honor yourself by digging deeper, and if you’re up for it, start working to heal those areas.
I highly recommend starting with journaling, and if you feel it would be useful, hiring a life coach or therapist to help support you with this.
Walk a Mile in Their Shoes
“Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.” (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition)
Everyone has a story and a chapter that you’re playing a part in right now. By immersing yourself in the experiences of others and truly feeling what they feel, you’re giving yourself a point of view that can’t be seen from your mirror. Get curious about how they are feeling! Get curious about how they’ve been impacted by the events in their lives and then deeply imagine what it would be like to live their lives for a day. By practicing empathy, not only can you care more about them as a person, but you’ll find that you will also learn how to care more about yourself in a balanced and deep way.
Hold Space & Listen with Unconditional Positive Regard
Listen. No, really listen. Next time you are in a conversation with someone, imagine they are 100% innocent and have never done anything wrong. Imagine that they are coming from a place of best intentions, and have no ill feelings towards you at all. This is what psych-nerds like myself call Unconditional Positive Regard. It’s a place where nothing but acceptance exists, and judgment holds no value. Next, listen to hear. Listen to hold space and allow that person to speak freely, without trying to intercede, add your opinion, or give advice. Hear the fluctuations, hear the meaning, hear the inner child of the person speaking to you. You mustn’t interrupt, and just allow the person to speak. Then, acknowledge them as they are, and even repeat back to them some of what they shared. Once you get this piece down pat, you’ll see your relationships flourish and will know that you’ve successfully put the mirror down.
Final Touches
These tips only scratch the surface of all that is possible for you and your relationships when you begin this journey of peering through the window. Next time you find yourself catching a glimpse of your reflection, mindfully bring your attention back to the greenery and lush possibilities of what those around you have to offer. Enjoy the new perspective.
Cheers, to love, alignment and companionship,
Amber Summer
